In my practice, I often see families and young adults wrestling and thriving with the process of individuation. Individuation, when applied to young adults, is simply a big word used to describe the natural process of separating from parents and/or family of origin. Think of this as the transition from the tasks of childhood to the business of adulthood. Common to this phase is the desire to make more of our own choices, evaluation of previously held value systems, the development of new relationships, and vocational exploration. This period can be marked by a growing sense of responsibility and independence, however, dread, lack of confidence, stress, and anxiety can also be present during this phase.
During the last decade, many instances of the individuation process not going so well have been highlighted. So much so, that we now have a term for this syndrome: failure-to-launch. Failure-to-launch is used to describe the struggles some young adults have with standing on their own two feet and navigating the responsibilities of adulthood. Experts suggest that this phenomenon may be the result of ‘helicopter’ parenting, doing too much for our children, lack of problem-solving abilities, and overprotection from disappointment and failure.
Over the last ten years, we have also experienced a massive explosion in technology – everything from cell phones to laptops to video games to Facebook and Instagram. Today, we have access to everything, instantly – which, for those old parts of our brain, is incredibly gratifying. The pursuit of the next ‘like’ or bright shiny object, for many, has become the ‘business’ of the day – a vocation that doesn’t require much effort, imagination, creativity, or problem-solving ability.
Yet, instant access and technology is part of our culture… What if Gen X’ers and beyond have it wrong? Could we be missing something here? Arnett, a professor of psychology at Clark University, looks at the ‘failure-to-launch’ syndrome through a different lens. Arnett sees this as a period when the young adult is emerging into adulthood; finding his or her own feet. According to Arnett emerging adulthood can span from about 18 to 29 years of age. During his research, Arnett interviewed people in this age group. In crunching the numbers, he uncovered an interesting theme in the data: a sense of feeling “in between“—pulled between the struggles of adolescence, feeling responsible for themselves, developing their personal identity while still feeling tied to parents and family.
So how do you know if you are emerging or failing-to-launch? That’s a great question – here is a simplified side-by-side comparison with five common signs & differences:
|
The ‘Failing-to-Launch’ Young Adult… |
The ‘Emerging’ Young Adult… |
| Poor motivation: unable/unwilling to set/accomplish goals; lack of vision for the future. | Identity exploration: Who am I? What do I want? Where do I want to be? |
| Lack of personal growth: a sense of begin stuck – can’t keep a job, minimal skills, poor self-worth & low confidence. | Many changes: for example – moving often, relationship changes, frequent job shifts. |
| Self-focused: unhealthy self-interest “it’s everyone else’s responsibility to take care of me & my needs.” | Self-reflection: a period of figuring out new values and beliefs – often different from their family of origin. |
| Lack of responsibility: unwilling or afraid to take on a range of age-appropriate responsibilities. | Feeling in-between: taking responsibility for themselves, but not quite feeling like an adult. |
| Daunted by the future: feeling overwhelmed, hopelessness, rumination with limited ability to cope. | Generally optimistic: hopeful about the future, see’s possibilities, has skills to cope with the ups and downs of life. |
As you might imagine, this phase of development is extremely complex with roots extending deep into our individual cultures. There is no right or wrong way to individuate. Additionally, is not an all or nothing process. We naturally have these parts within our personalities. Take motivation for example. I am sure you can relate to fluctuating motivation – one day you’re at 110%, the next day you’re dragging at 50%. I’m also confident you can connect with feeling generally optimistic, yet stuck in a specific area of your life – such feelings are an everyday part of being human.
I offer this perspective to young adults, parents, and concerned others with the intention of encouraging conversation and self-reflection. However, if you or someone you know is struggling in some of these areas – please know there’s help.
As always, any intervention should be with a well-trained/appropriately licensed mental health professional, who will provide a thorough assessment, personalized treatment goals all within a safe, judgment-free environment.
Thanks & take care,
Kate J.
Interested in learning more? Here are links to resources I found helpful:
https://www.apa.org/monitor/jun06/emerging.aspx
https://liveconscious.com/2011/12/individuation-process/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/healing-and-growing/201611/failure-launch-syndrome
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emerging_adulthood_and_early_adulthood
http://www.jeffreyarnett.com/articles/ARNETT_Emerging_Adulthood_theory.pdf
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us
Clinical Counseling 