Recently, I spoke at a funeral. A family, who lost their son in his mid-20s to a heroin overdose, invited me to talk about addiction at his service. I felt honored and heartbroken by the prospect. I am a mental health and addiction professional with credentials, training, and more than a decade of work with people and families struggling with substance use disorders. I wanted to provide answers and offer comfort. But I forgot — there’s no comfort and no good answers.
As I quietly entered the service, the young man’s mother was speaking. She shared so many wonderful stories about her little boy. She described him as “active, caring, curious, funny … and so very loved.” I was struck by two things. First, an observation: She could be describing any typical child growing up in the United States. Second, a question: Why have so many families had to bury their children because of drugs?
I stood to speak and faced a room full of tears, lost dreams, and broken hearts. I felt my heart reach out to every person who had ever lost a loved one to addiction. After taking a moment to compose myself, I shared some basic information about addiction, grief, and loss. Later that day, after having some time to reflect, I wish I had said more.
Things I said at this young man’s funeral:
- Addiction is a disease that affects the brain. Addiction involves many pathways and complexities (biological, psychological, and social) that can progress, leading to full-blown addiction.
- Addiction is a progressive disease. People don’t wake up one morning with full-blown addiction; rather, it sneaks up over time. Once active addiction takes hold, it can be very difficult to stop. People try and try to fight it; some make it, others don’t.
- Currently, opiate overdose is the number one killer of young adults in the United States — more than automobile accidents.
- Caring for a loved one with an addiction can be extremely challenging. It’s like knowing there’s about to be a train crash: You’re trying frantically to switch the tracks, doing everything in your power to avoid the wreck, but nothing is working. You’re left to watch the destruction from the sidelines.
- It’s important to remember that addiction is just one part of a person and their story. Sometimes, we get so wrapped up in the negativity, we forget the positive things about the person. Share the good memories, the joys, the love.
- Remember, grief is a process; there will be dark days. Reach out for help. Connect with the surrounding community. Tell your story. Talk, and talk some more. Seek professional help if needed.
Things I wish I would have said:
- Addiction is complicated by access to and the availability of drugs. I bet that I could have easily scored any drug, at least five times over, within a mile radius of the funeral home. And, if I couldn’t get to it, it would come to me. Today, there are phone apps, message boards, numbers to text, and other supply options all primed and ready — waiting to deliver drugs to the next consumer.
- The amount of heroin, meth, or marijuana a person needs to get high costs about the same as a large Starbucks coffee.
- Today, drugs across the board are more potent and powerful than they have ever been. Because there is no quality control, people have no idea about what they are putting into their bodies.
- People, particularly those who inject drugs, are great at rationalizing: “I know exactly how much my body can take,” or “No worries, I have safety measures in place, just in case,” or “Dude, I trust my dealer; he would never set me up…” Wrong! No one knows how much their respiratory system can take before it shuts down.
- In the case of opiate overdoses, people die because they ingest too much of the substance. A physical threshold in the body is crossed, which causes the collapse of the respiratory system. Breathing stops. Then, the heartbeat stops.
- Tolerance is another critical factor. If a person has taken a break from drugs for a while but returns to using the same amount of the substance they did before quitting, their tolerance is now decreased. This puts them at high risk for overdose.
- Conversely, if a person uses a lot of a substance regularly, then, over time, they will need more of the drug to get the same high. Increased tolerance also puts people at high risk of overdose.
- Most people do not intend to die when they use drugs; they are chasing the high. Overdose is a heartbreaking reality; a component and a tragic side-effect of addiction.
What about prevention?
When discussing addiction, we must discuss prevention. While I did not share these next points at the funeral — it was neither the time nor the place — here are some thoughts and questions based on my professional and personal experience.
- What would happen if, as a society, we removed the stigma, shame, and guilt around addiction, freeing us to say more sooner?
- From a young age, when a child has a stomachache or a runny nose, they have generally developed the appropriate language, knowledge, and freedom to communicate their problem to an adult. Then, as caregivers, we respond engaging the necessary tools to soothe and help the child without judgment. What if, as a culture, we developed a similar ease and response to people as symptoms of addiction and mental health concerns emerge?
- What if we worked harder at prevention in all areas, including schools (K-12), youth groups, churches, libraries, families, neighborhoods, criminal justice, primary health care systems, and social services?
- Connection, community, education, vocation, and purpose are all protective factors. Having these structures in place can help protect people from developing serious substance use disorders. How could more protective factors be integrated into our communities and the systems that serve us?
- How can we identify at-risk youth and families sooner and surround them with support, community, treatment, skills, resources, mentoring, etc.?
- Is our current education system effectively serving the educational and vocational needs of our youth today? The same question is directed to our health care and criminal justice systems?
- What role could nutrition, hydration, exercise, meditation, yoga, nature, and community play in preventing addiction?
So, there you have it. Feel free to share this blog and please talk to your friends, family, children, and co-workers about addiction, treatment, and recovery.
Thanks & take care,
Kate J.
Interested in learning more? Here are links to resources I found helpful:
https://www.smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox/
https://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline
https://www.addictionrecoveryguide.org/resources/state/
https://www.live-evermore.org/parent-grief-support-directory
https://www.addictionsandrecovery.org/opioid-opiate-recovery.htm
Clinical Counseling 